my journeyThere are a few things, more so than others, that really bother me about myself. One is (like most people) my self image. I'd like to lose some weight, get my mouth fixes, improve my complexion, grow my hair out, blah blah blah. And I'm working on that. One is the fact that I'm pushing 30 and still haven't gotten my drivers license. I'm working on that too. The third is my level of "non-mommy" time. I know, for my best interests and those of my children, I need a little more time away from the house for ME. Whether it be small things like doing the groceries without them, or bigger things like joining a sports league or *gasp* going on a date, it needs to be done. I need to bite the bullet and consider hiring a sitter once in a while. Of course there is more to work on than just this.. and truth be told, these should be further down on my priority list according to some people, but whatever.. this is where I am starting.
6 month goals:
- I will have my G1 driver license
- I will have lost 30 lbs (not unlikely "thanks" to my surgery anyway)
- I will have the oral surgery and replacement procedures complete
- I will set aside at least one night a month for JUST ME
- I will have $1000 saved (not much, but it's a start)
- I will re-evaluate my stance on vaccinations
- I will work on finding a church to baptise my children (not for my benefit, but because it would please my meme)
- I will engage the boys in more socially stimulating activities (cub scouts? league sports?)
- I will develop a solid product line, and corporate image
12 month goals:
- I will have my G2 driver license
- I will have lost 60 lbs total
- I will have all health issues adressed
- I will have at least two nights a month for JUST ME
- I will have a vehicle, registered insured and plated
- I will get a clear picture of my financial standings
- I will venture into the realm of wholesale and private label
- I will take up a volunteer/cause effort
You know, on paper it doesn't seem that daunting. Although trust me, I know, easier said than done. Well, no time like the present.
Driver license. Yeah, funny how that came together so quickly all of a sudden. All the barriers that prevented me, for so many years, from getting my license, suddenly aren't barriers any longer. I have a skilled instructor, use of a vehicle, drive test manual memorized. All systems go, I'm goign to the MTO on Thursday to write my test. Two more days, that's it!!
I'm considering yoga, pilates, and tae bo. More walks, more trips to the park.. maybe some bowling. I'll admit that is the extent of my willingness to exercise at this point. Truth be told, my diet is more of a concern to my weight than my physical activity. So from now on, more health conscious food selections. I guess I will have a boost, considering I'll be on a mandated liquid diet soon....
Which brings me to the oral surgery issue. Scheduled, ready to go. Complete pre-op is July 2nd, and surgery is booked for July 7th. No turning back now. Too much riding on getting this done once and for all. Thank god, I've managed to get partial coverage for the surgery costs, as I'm tapped as it is. Now just to figure out the denture costs. (Yeah, I know... I should probably be sure I can afford them before having all my teeth yanked, but no time to shop for denture coverage now) Right now, the main concern is to avert disaster and protect my health, the teeth have to go, and I'll just have to make do till the rest falls into place.
I don't even want to talk about vaccinations or baptismal right now. Feeling like I'm banging my head against a wall there. Twice as hard since I believe in neither but feel pigeonholed into both. Meh, 'nuff said.
One night a month for me. Maybe if my folks take the boys overnight one month, and my sister does the next month.. it's a start. If I can guarantee a particular weekend in advance, I could make plans in time to really enjoy it. Although, I admit... the other day I wandered around with no plan whatsoever and enoyed it immensely. Of course, driving aimlessly with R.V. was cool, but then randomly shopping, eating out, and running into R.Z. were cool too... Then the carnival, the buskers, the bar scene (never my thing but immensely amusing as a people watching activity)... Man, I actually did manage to pack alot of fun into 8 hours. I need more of that. Time to talk to the family abotu giving me a break sometimes.
I'm working on the product line. Expect a few posts regarding that very soon. I know what direction I want to take, I'm just hammering out details in my head (oh, what a dangerous place to be)
Saving money has never been my thing. Although somehow I manage to spend it quite well. But I'm figuring if I put $100 aside a month, plus gst cheques, I should hit the mark byt hte new year. I ust gotta remember what's on the line.
I've been talking to the boys about scouts. YDS is too young, but ODS is just old enough and, given his level of friendliness and sociability, I think it would be wonderful for him. It's not far from here, I think it may be a good idea for him. I'm not so sure he'd be into a sports team, and the academic courses are too expensive for me right now, but scouts may be just the answer. I gotta look into it more, find out who I contact to get him registered./enrolled/whatever...
So yeah, that's where I'm at.. for now..
my gardenAhh.. the one subject I know practically nothing about, and yet love to ramble on about. (ok, there's more than just one subject, but this is the one at hand... ) Allow me to explain...
Recently I became interested in gardening. Having a house (albeit rented) with a decent sized fenced yard, as well as feeling the crunch of inflated produce prices, I toyed with the idea of having a mini sustainable garden, and decided to take the plunge. Let me start by saying that I have no actual gardening experience, and full well realize the potential for total disaster, but that is not discouraging me in the least. About the only prowess I have when it comes to plants, in fact, is arranging already cut flowers in a vase, but I'm confident that I can do it. After all, plants grow in the wild, right? If they can do it without human intervention, surely they can survive with my gentle perusasion as well... right?
Research turned me on to Square Foot Gardening, and the more I looked into it, I also discovered French Intensive Gardening. Perhaps it's a gardening no-no, but I have devised some sort of hybrid of the two, (lets call it square foot intensive gardening) to meet my needs as well as budgetary limitations. With fingers crossed, it won't prove to be the first of what is surely to become many mistakes.
Now, please allow me to digress and share with you my absolute worst (best?) personal flaw. I do nothing half-assed. When I decide on something I jump in, head first. I dive into the deep end and don't look back. I admit sometimes I have a hard time following through on things, but one thing that can never be denied me, anything I start, I start full on. This has been no exception.
I have a fenced rear yard, approximately 35 feet deep, and 25 feet wide. The entire perimeter has been dedicated to this cause, one foot deep all the way around. There is also a 5 foot wide garden bed butting up to the back of the mudroom. That is 100 square feet to start. I also have two very very large containers, a window planter box, a hubcap, and various other smaller containers. In the front I have a welcome sign with an attached planter and a row garden approximately 6 feet wide and 2 feet deep. I intend to use all of this space to its fullest potential. In addition, I have constructed one 4x4 foot square garden to be placed in a back corner of the yard, and received a cracked childrens pool on freecycle (ok, I haven't yet.. it's coming tomorrow) of which I intend to further my space. About 140 square feet, all said and done, considering I live in a cramped city core area, where lots are only about 100x25 at best, into which I also have to accomodate a patio set, full size swing set, picnic table, seater swing, and various other childrens toys, I think I have done quite well in allotting space for this project.
And what will I put into this space? Oh wow.. the list is extensive... but here goes: blackberries, cucumbers, lettuce, green beans, snow peas, strawberries, pumpkins, watermelons, okra (weather permitting), radishes, carrots, tomatoes, pomegranates, red peppers, green peppers, orange peppers, yellow peppers, eggplant, spaghetti squash, broccoli, cantaloupe, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, sunflowers and various other ornamental plants.
It's late in the year, mid June already and I have a feeling I will have forfeited a harvest this year in many of the crops, but hope to at least allow the plants to root and establish themselves so that next spring will be an early and relatively painless free start to the growing season. I started to dig the trench around the perimetere of the yard and then I realized that by layering cardboard and piling the soil mixture, I can probably get away with not digging this clay like soil up. I hope I'm right there, but assume that I am, since that would essentially be container free container planting. (in theory anyway, and let's face it.. since I have no practical experience, theory is all I have to go on)
I planted some seeds already in peat moss soil cups, and I love them. I can just transplant the whole peat moss cup into the new soil, hassle free. I joined plantshare and received free strawberry plants (the only thing i am growing from plant, instead of seeds) and they are actually already green berries so that is encouraging. I went on eBay to find my seeds, and I'm comfortable with what I spent, considering the sheer number of seeds I purchased. Some have arrived, some have not as of yet, but tomorrow I am going to start the seed planting for another round of seeds.
Tomorrow will also be the day I lay the final groundwork for the garden and give it some visual form, instead of just the mental picture I've been carrying around all this time. Speaking of pictures, I will be taking some before shots, as well as some during and after photos, and am hoping to well document the process so that I can look back on it, and be proud of what I've accomplished. Or should I say, what we've accomplished. It's become a bit of a family venture, as my 5 and 3 year old sons have both taken an interest in it... after all, what's more tempting to a child than fresh, free, readily available fruit any time they want! Wish me luck. Tomorrow should prove interesting at the very least!
transformationThis blog, and all it will come to entail has been a long time coming. For so long now, I have been thinking and rethinking my very being. Who I am, what I am, where I am at this point in my life. There is so much about myself I don't like, so much I do like, so much I've yet to even learn. And as of late, the questions swirl in my mind, and thoughts mingle with each other until one is no longer discernable from the other.
Who am I? Things I once thought were important no seem to matter little to me. Things I never even considered before are now front and foremost in my mind, nearly consuming me with their sudden urgency and emergence. This is what I do know:
I am a mother, my boys are truly the greatest gift life has ever offered me. I did not make those boys, they made me. No question about it.I'm apparently a tree hugger. Matters of the environment, sustainable gardens, natural products, my person carbon footprint on this earth, and many other ecological issues that never interested me before now seem like they require my dire attention. I'm a business owner. It may not be much as of yet, but I have high hopes for my company, I am confident I have what it takes, and my products are worth the effort I put in. I'm a music lover, nature appreciator, internet junkie, newshound, and so much more. I'm a survivor. So many years I spent hating myself and the path life had taken me, thinking I was somehow destined to suffer through life... and now I see how I've triumphed through it all. Homelessness, alcoholism and drug addiction, depression, self mutilation, eating disorders, unhealthy relationships, codependency, all facts of my life that I thought were just my unlucky lot in life. I now see all of them as lessons learned, the groundwork to build me into a stronger, wiser, more appreciative person. I'm a work in progress.
Things about me that I hate, things I have wanted to change for so long, things I am now not only wishing to change, but taking active steps towards: my finances, my physical appearance, my family life, my health, my career and future goals. All works in progress. Things I wish to add to my life, to complement the changes I am making: social life, family outings, volunteer service, education, and a drivers license. Things I have learned: to finally come to terms with my past, forgiving myself and others for the hand I've been dealt in life, accepting myself without disdain (ok, this one's a struggle, perhaps I'll never truly be content with some aspects of myself, but overall, I'm learning to like myself)
So many changes. I've come a long way and I have a long way to go. If you were to ask me who I am, I'd have to be honest and say, I really don't know anymore. To be honest, I'm not so sure I know who I wish to one day become either. As I grow and change, I am pulled in different directions, each leaving their mark and influencing the end product. I am blossoming, much like a caterpillar morphs into a butterfly, I am leaving my sluggish unremarkable self behind and emerging a unique and captivating soul, to be admired and respected. This is my journey. Welcome.
